save me
by Lilli89
Summary: Jay opens up about his violent childhood...


I hope you're able to read my horrible english.

Please feel free to write down your thoughts or ideas on the story :)

CPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPD

„My Dad was a farmer."

„This is rarely."

„What?"

Jay looked at Erin in confusion.

They just arrived at her apartment, after spending hours in hospital. While he still got the bounty on his head, both decided that it was better to stay at Erins house.

"You're rarely talking about your past, especially your childhood."

"There is nothing else to say, nothing to be proud of."

"Come on."

Erin took some sip of her beer, after she handled another one to Jay.

"My mum was a Junkie. My Dad is locked up forever. What should I say?"

Tiredly Jays hand wandered through his face.

"Nonetheless you can't compare it."

Surprised Erin placed her beer on the table. Her face changed into a thoughtful expression.

"What do you mean?"

He kept silent. Not a single word was leaving his mouth.

"Jay, if you're ready to talk about it, I'm here, all right?"

He nodded his head.

"It's bad Erin. Really bad."

He looked her straight in the eyes.

"We talk about child abuse, aren't we?"

He merely flinched.

"How do you know?"

"It might be one reason for your aggressiveness sometimes. Before Voight took me in, it must have been around 2004, I met one kid on the street. He had no home, no place to live. His name was Randy. And even if he could be the nicest guy, it needed one small thing that totally freaked him out, which is a typical sign of a long effect on physical abuse. Later he told me that his father bate him up, before he left his mum, who was addicted to Heroine too. She needed dope so he started working as a young male prostitute, where everything repeated. You're definitely not like Randy but your behavior is similar sometimes. It just needs one pinch to freak out completely."

Jay looked at her like he already dressed completely naked in front of her.

There was a long silence, until he raised his voice, nodding his head.

"Yeah, you're right. I've experienced violence", he whispered. Erin, who already thought that he wanted to burry the issue made some meaningful gestures.

"If you're not in the mood to talk about it, we haven't…"

But he still continued speaking.

"I was born in Kansas. We lived at some small place until my Dad inherited a farm from my grandparents. It was the best way of growing up. My Dad was the kindest men you've ever seen, while my mum was shy and conservative. Nevertheless both owned big hearts, a warm smile. I always had that feeling of being protected and safe. Everything was fine, until the first day of July. It was the beginning of summer holidays and we planned to go on a trip to Nebraska. My Dad decided to run throughout the night. We nearly reached Lincoln when a drunk driver hit the car. I was sitting on the back seat, so I was able to free myself real quickly. But for my parents… it was too late to help. They burned inside the car. And I watched it from the outside, still hearing my own screams when some firefighter carried me on his shoulder."

Erin looked at him in shock, still unable to speak, showing any reactions.

"There was no one left and my grandparents were far too old, so they put me in some foster home, where I had gone through hell. Their only aim of raising a child was to get benefits from the state and getting power out of hitting children. His name was Jimmy De Moore and his only luck was to hit us with his belt, while he trained his wife in different kinds of torture. There was another kid, called Tommy who lived with us, a bit younger than me. He was really clumsy, so he got a lot of punishment even if I tried to protect him. One time he broke his right arm. It hurt a lot, so he cried and screamed. Instead of driving to the hospital, Jimmy grabbed us to locked us in their basement, avoiding that some neighbors could hear the noises. I had to fix his wounds, even I was around 7. Of course I made mistakes, so it got infected, which resulted more beating, like an endless cycle."

Gently Erin took his hand, stroking the skin of his palm.

"Did you ever run away?"

"Sure, but they always got me in time. And it was around late 80s, so child service didn't improve its security. So it was nearly impossible to provide evidence for child abuse. And after running away they even improved punishment. They were professionals in hiding wounds and signals."

Erin shook her head, still stunned by his report.

"How did you survive?", she whispered, horrified while her head processed what her ears already heard.

"I don't know. I always comforted myself by telling me that I would move one day, when I was old enough. It was bad but I wasn't effected like Tommy. He killed himself a few weeks after his 18th birthday."

Erin became silent. Speechless sitting on the couch, staring at him in disbelief.

"I went to the army. Third Battalion, 75th ranger regiment. It was the fastest of getting money, paying rent. I had an aim, just protecting my country. I thought time away (distance)would be the best thing to deal with it, so I joined the troops to travel to Afghanistan. It was great, cause I felt like having a real family. But after the first bombs going off, it felt like waking up from a dream. I quitted at the right moment and finally joined the academy, to become a dog (cop)."

"Did you ever thought about complaining?"

Jay laughed ironically.

"De Moore already died of cancer and his wife is in a psychiatry. There is no evidence on the past."

Erin smiled sadly, still not sure what to say or think.

"I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say."

She gently stroked his arm.

Without a word, she pulled him in a long hug.

She wasn't sure but it seemed like he was crying, because his chest moved unsteady.

Erin avoided eye contact. She just rocked him while she held him tight, knowing that otherwise he would feel ashamed.

"It's over", she soothed him with a shaky voice, rubbing his back, only getting a nod from Jays side.

"I know. But today when Maddie was hit it felt like…"

Erin shook her head.

"Shhh…It wasn't your fault. None of that. You always did the right thing."

He looked at her with sad eyes, moving closer to Erin until his lips touched hers…

"I'm with you", she indicated, until he continued kissing..


End file.
